And with that, she began to write again.

   Remember today, for it is the beginning.                                                                           Today marks the start of a brave new future.

So, I have been feeling rather troubled lately. At times, even devastated. It has come to light that someone I considered one of my best friends for several years, is a mere fraction of the person I believed he was. I have been used. Lied to, emotionally assaulted. I have been called names that were meant to hurt me, and my general opinion of my own self-worth and ability to love and be love has plummeted.  It's made the past few months almost unbearable, actually. 

But however big this loss has felt for me, I know with certainty that the real loss is the one he will ultimately suffer, because I am an amazing person and an even more amazing friend. I have tenacity. I am viciously loyal, forever open and giving with kindness, and I genuinely love people and want them to be happy and to love themselves. 

That being said, I realize I have been denying myself the very things I fight so hard to give to other people. 

What did I really expect to gain by pouring my love and good energy into someone else's dumpster of self-doubt and glaringly poor self-esteem? 

Maybe I gave him too much credit by assuming he was done with letting fear and past regrets run a river of poison through his life? 

Maybe I was looking to find someone who would fight hard enough to bring ME out of the darkness? 

Maybe I was just screaming my own wake-up call up into the sky? 

Maybe I had hoped that by giving everything I had into holding his hand and showing him all the reasons he was worthy of love, he would see he was not alone. 

Whatever my thought process was, the reality is that I have gained a lot from this painful experience. 

~I will do a better job of showing myself that I am important. 

~I will compliment myself on things that I do well.

~I will not allow other people the ability to determine my understanding and belief of my own self worth. 

I have had much distress over making the decision to part ways with this "friend" of mine, but it pales in comparison to the joy and light that is being unearthed by a new best friend I have brought into my life- Myself.

This is an status update I made earlier today and it did so much to renew my interest and desire to write again. Specifically to journal. And going even further, to openly journal and share, something I had almost completely forgotten that I used to do on the regular. So, here it is, me starting up again. Right here. You're seeing it, AT THIS MOMENT!

I let the love I have for thoughtful tangible introspection fade. And with that, my ability to feel that I have experienced a real amount of emotional and personal growth because there wasn't something I could refer back to, anything that I could review and say "Oh yep, right there- that's when I made such and such a realization,".

I am undeniably driven by my need to create- 

to make something to prove that I was there. 

I am driven to consider my life, experiences, relationships, pain, joys, observations, and the like and process them and regurgitate them into something that I can share and create unity among any and all other individuals. I want to show and share with everybody how beautiful and wonderful and unique and fragile and often hilarious life is.

I am going to begin holding myself more accountable for my own success and happiness and I really mean that. I believe that I have what it takes to make me happy, and some other people along the way. I also tell great jokes, and carry coloring books around with me.

I came across an article on zee facebook and I have been eating up everything written on this website. The following excerpt comes from a site called
Marc and Angel Hack Life: Practical Tips for Productive Living, and the whole article is called 30 Things to Start Doing for Yourself.
These are the first 5, because I think 30 is too much to be able to really digest at once and each one really deserves thought and consideration.

1. Start spending time with the right people. – These are the people you enjoy, who love and appreciate you, and who encourage you to improve in healthy and exciting ways.  They are the ones who make you feel more alive, and not only embrace who you are now, but also embrace and embody who you want to be, unconditionally.
2. Start facing your problems head on. – It isn’t your problems that define you, but how you react to them and recover from them.  Problems will not disappear unless you take action.  Do what you can, when you can, and acknowledge what you’ve done.  It’s all about taking baby steps in the right direction, inch by inch.  These inches count, they add up to yards and miles in the long run.
3. Start being honest with yourself about everything. – Be honest about what’s right, as well as what needs to be changed.  Be honest about what you want to achieve and who you want to become.  Be honest with every aspect of your life, always.  Because you are the one person you can forever count on.  Search your soul, for the truth, so that you truly know who you are.  Once you do, you’ll have a better understanding of where you are now and how you got here, and you’ll be better equipped to identify where you want to go and how to get there.  
4. Start making your own happiness a priority. – Your needs matter.  If you don’t value yourself, look out for yourself, and stick up for yourself, you’re sabotaging yourself.  Remember, it IS possible to take care of your own needs while simultaneously caring for those around you.  And once your needs are met, you will likely be far more capable of helping those who need you most.
5. Start being yourself, genuinely and proudly. – Trying to be anyone else is a waste of the person you are.  Be yourself.  Embrace that individualinside you that has ideas, strengths and beauty like no one else.  Be the person you know yourself to be – the best version of you – on your terms.  Above all, be true to YOU, and if you cannot put your heart in it, take yourself out of it.