Sunday, March 13, 2011

11 de Marzo

I feel like I have been cut deeply enough
That some serious healing has to occur.

                                                                    I am so sad.
I just caught myself there- again
Feeling fine and level headed for a second
Then having everything sink in again.

        Courtney, Benji was killed.

Benji was someone I ALWAYS looked forward to seeing. He carried such a strong energy, that I could feel it when he walked into a room.

                       he must have been so scared

Who would want to shoot Benji in the back of the head?


I choke and gag in my mouth starting to tell that story. I can taste it.



            It's almost as if I am throwing up my own heart
                                   And I'm only getting dry heaves.





When you said Benji got shot, I tried to 
turn myself back in time.

Then this wave of
pain, emotion, regret, fear, and cold
erupted from my stomach and
came screeching out of my throat 
and streaming out of my eyes

I felt like my mind was being 
asked to carry something that was
far too big for me to even get a grip 
on part of it.
Something specifically designed 
to continually spin out of grasp,
knocking the wind out of me


Knocking it out of me
so hard, and so fast
That within that instant 
the only thing I can understand
is what I'm able to 
directly see and feel



The shape and outline of your own body,
the hot red blood coursing through your veins,
and the crushing isolation and paralyzing calm
which is the only thing you're able to breathe.

The concept of time
becomes a blind man's view of how the world looks;
 with soft shapes and bleeding colors

My entire understanding of reality
needs to be rebuilt
Starting from which way
is up
and which way
is down




Struggling to try and recall
                           all the forms and textures
                                                       of what used to be Familiar
                                     



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